This episode is from a presentation that I gave for the Online Trainer Mentorship but re-recorded for here.
Listen to the audio version. 👆
My mom hates it when I say I’m weird.
“You’re not weird!” she’ll say.
Being called weird would have been devastating to me in middle school, hell, even in my 20’s. But now, at 36, I love being weird.
And look around.
I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but we humans are wonderfully weird.
It’s my favorite thing about people.
🍍My dad can’t remember what my mom likes on her hamburgers, but is the human equivalent to Google for any and all baseball facts.
🍍A former client of mine is a devout Catholic, but I would bet on her to win in a swear-off with a sailor any day.
🍍And one of the absolute sweetest people I know is also the most brilliant when it comes to insults that leave the recipient more impressed than hurt.
With classics like, “Your cooking is abysmal, and you are a perfectly rancid sack of sentient dog vomit.” And what’s funnier is his Scottish accent makes getting an insult feel like a compliment.
What sucks, though, is that we’re all so busy rushing from one thing to the next that we don’t get a chance to enjoy each other’s weirdness. And what’s worse is that people feel ashamed of their weirdness and try to hide it.
With so many people trying desperately not to be weird, it’s no wonder that 58% of people report often feeling lonely.
If you have 30 clients, that’s 18 people.
I want you to pause and think about that for a second. Which of your clients would fall into that statistic?
How do you think that impacts their work with you?
While this stat is mildly depressing, it also means that you’ll get an outsized ROI for the effort you put into building relationships.
From a business perspective:
Emotionally connected customers stay 50% longer.
They recommend businesses at a much higher rate (71% versus 45%)
And increasing customer retention by 5% can increase your profits by between 25% and 95%.
While the financial benefits are nice, I know nothing beats the feeling you get when a client succeeds in something they haven’t before.
When you include relationship-building practices in your business, you get more of those moments.
Clients are more likely to be vulnerable and communicate with you, so you have the information you need most to help them.
It makes it easier for you to coach effectively. When you know your clients well, you can create more relatable examples, make them more excited to show up, and create a better experience that they want to be in.
Clients are more likely to be trusting in the process and forgiving when you make mistakes or things don’t go to plan
And they’re more likely to show up for you - supporting other clients and having your back if something goes sideways.
Okay, now all of that sounds good in theory - but what does it look like in practice?
The best way I know how to build relationships is by recognizing, creating safety for, and valuing the wonderfully weird humans that people are.
There’s no magic formula for building relationships. Every person is a little bit different, and you have your own wonderful weirdness that you can leverage.
But, there are a few things that you can do that creates a good atmosphere for building relationships.
Own your Peter Parker and worry less about being Spiderman
When our job is to help other people, we put a lot of unnecessary pressure on ourselves and strive to show up a certain way.
But, we tend to admire and think more highly of people who have awkward, imperfect moments.
By owning your own awkwardness and struggles and not holding back about the things you geek out over, you’ll build trust and connection and give your clients permission to do the same.
Speak using their language and reference points
I have a talent for relating everything to a Big Bang Theory episode.
For example, there’s an episode where Sheldon is a guest lecturer for new doctoral students, and afterward, he felt like he did an amazing job, but the students were Tweeting about how awful he was, and then he tries to learn how to act to improve his teaching skills.
This episode definitely crossed my mind when preparing for this presentation. 😅
Now, if I hired a coach to help me get healthier and they were wanting to help me see how ridiculous it is to try to change everything in my life to reach my goal, they’d probably get a lot further if they refer to the episode where Sheldon wants to live longer so he can transfer his consciousness into machines and achieve immortality.
He swaps Pizza Night for Cruciferous Vegetable Night, picks up running, and builds a robot to interact with the world so he can stay safe in his room. Needless to say, it doesn’t work out well for him.
You don’t need to be able to pull random TV episodes out of your hat, but the more you understand and can communicate with people using their language and interests, the more you’ll connect with them and help make things stick in their brains better.
Show genuine interest in the things they love
As you’re growing your business, I bet at one point you were really excited about something you did, told a friend or family member and you got a, “That’s really cool. Good for you,” and that was it.
It totally killed the excitement you had.
Compare that to someone that goes, “No way! I know how hard you worked for that. Tell me everything! What did you do to X? How did you Y?”
Giving someone an opportunity to gush unreservedly is a gift. Show interest, ask questions, and remember what you hear. That’s a one-way ticket to a solid relationship.
Find the weird thing you share
Remember when you were little, and your friendships began because you had the same Lisa Frank school folder with a dog on it instead of cats like everyone else had?
Maybe that was just me.
But those insta-connections over something different than what’s typical gains almost instant, child-like best friend status as adults, too.
We tend to trust that person more for no other reason that we both like to rewrite lyrics to Broadway songs about life and work.
Okay, that also just might be me. But you get the idea.
Shine a spotlight on their strengths, especially publicly when it makes sense
We all have stories, insights, or experiences worth sharing.
If you see an opportunity to bring someone in on a conversation that can offer insight, pull them in.
This might be done privately by introducing two people or publicly by tagging someone in a post.
Or, it could be sharing a win of theirs or a post they made that was really well done.
Keep in mind - it doesn’t have to be purely achievement or intellectually based.
A Star Wars fan will get more excited to be tagged in a post to weigh in on the theory that JarJar Binks is a Sith Lord versus answering a tax question because they’re a CPA.
Ask for help
We’re wired to be helpful. When we help, even in small ways, it improves our sense of well-being, it's contagious, and helps create deeper bonds between people.
Don’t ask for advice on how to do a squat, but basically anything else -
Tips on preparing for a trip, summer activities for kids, a movie to watch, etc.
It doesn’t have to be a deep moment if that makes you squirmy.
Be vulnerable and give glimpses into your life
Our lives consist of a messy assortment of moments - wonderful, terrible, and the occasional WTF.
And sometimes, the Universe is in a mood and dishes out all three at the same time.
Giving people glimpses into your life, whether good, bad, or ugly, can help you connect with people in more meaningful ways.
Now, keep in mind there’s a fine line between being sharing and trauma dumping, so be mindful, but thoughtfully sharing raw moments that you are comfortable sharing can help you create deeper relationships.
When in doubt - have a common enemy
In baseball, one of the biggest rivalries is the Yankees and the Red Sox.
But do you know who they hate more than each other? The Houston Astros.
If all else fails, if you can find a common enemy, you’ll have a foundation to build on.
And then, of course, we have gift-giving.
Giving Gifts
I have a question for you -
When was the last time you got a gift that wasn’t connected to your birthday or a holiday?
Now take it a step further -
When was the last time you received a gift that didn’t come in an Amazon box, in shrink wrap, or could have been bought from a store shelf?
Gift-giving is an especially impactful way to build relationships.
It’s not because they’re receiving something physical - no matter how unique or cool it is - it’s about what the gift implies -
You are worthy of my time, effort, money, and other resources. I see you and want you to know that I think who you are is worthy of spending those resources on.
For most of us, we’re so focused on taking care of everyone else that to have unprompted effort spent on us is dazzling.
That recognition is the gift. One that most people rarely get, if ever.
That may sound heavy or intimidating. Gifting doesn’t have to be this huge orchestrated event. Small gifts can also have that sort of impact. That’s why giving gifts is my favorite way to build relationships.
It doesn’t hurt that shopping is fun. 👀
A quick warning about gift giving
One of the cool things about people is that we’re fairly predictable in a lot of ways. Do something nice for us then we want to do something nice for you.
This is a neat little feature we’ve been built with that’s super helpful in relationships, but word of caution: gift-giving doesn’t count if you expect something in return.
Then it’s a bribe with unexpressed expectations that no one can meet and ruins relationships.
So, give freely, expect nothing, and be thankful if someone does return the effort.
Let's dig in
Alright, so let’s dive into the whole art of gift giving when in a business setting.
Usually, when we give gifts we have the hope that (not the expectation):
It makes the recipient happy
It deepens the relationship
That they’ll feel inclined to reciprocate our efforts in some way
That they want to share about it with their friends, family, and network (and by proxy, your business)
I want to highlight the last one - To get people to share about you, you have to give them a story to tell.
Giving a thoughtful gift gives them a story to tell.
But just giving someone something doesn’t mean it’s a gift.
Here’s what doesn’t count as a gift:
If it has your logo, branding colors, or name on it - that’s not a gift. That’s a promotional item.
A thoughtless gift (which can create a bad story)
Example of a bad gift -
A kitchen renovation guy wanted to start doing customer appreciation gifts at the end of a job. He typically works with clients for 8-12 weeks and the projects are expensive.
He decided to experiment by giving a $50 gift card to a local restaurant. It backfired - he got a bad review and the customer’s perception was that the business overcharged him.
While this was just one customer who said something, I can see how they got to that conclusion -
The amount of the gift card compared to what was spent feels almost insulting.
When you spend that much time in someone’s home, a random gift card feels impersonal.
The timing of it wasn’t great - my guess is that they collect on the rest of their invoice at the end of the project. Spending thousands of dollars and receiving $50 near each other didn’t feel good. With distance from the project, it may have felt differently.
I don’t know how it was presented, but a thank you for being a customer note with a gift card wouldn’t have the impact the kitchen renovation guy was looking for.
The story that gift tells is, “You’re worth $50 to me, and I didn’t take notice of who you are, so I am sending you to a restaurant that you may or may not like.”
The business would have been better off with a heartfelt thank you note than giving the gift card.
His heart was in the right place, so it sucks that it backfired.
Knowing a gift can backfire can make some people hesitate to do it, which I get. But there’s a significant upside -
Uniquely chosen gifts are 2.3x more effective at creating sales opportunities versus a generic gift.
While that stat is comparing a generic gift compared to a personal gift, I feel like it’s safe to say giving a personal gift ups the odds compared to no gifts at all, too.
So, let’s dive into what gift-giving can look like in a business setting.
The Two Types of Gifts
In my mind, there are two types of gifts -
Premeditated Gifts and Gifts of Passion
Premeditated gifts are more strategic and planned.
You want to build a relationship with someone who isn’t a client but could be
You want to build a relationship with someone who is good to have in your network (Jon’s baseball cards)
It’s part of your client’s journey with you, such as hitting the 3 months mark or some other semi-expected occasion.
Birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, holidays, etc
Then you have Gifts of Passion, which are a response to an unexpected situation -
A client’s family dog died
A potential connection landed a new opportunity
It’s the winter, it’s raining, and your client has a case of the blues
Or just because it’s fun
How you approach gifting may change depending on what your primary goal of the gift is.
I have a few thoughts on gifting giving.
Thought 1: Understand Your Gifting Goal
If your primary goal is to maximize the potential business benefits from your gift, there are certain guidelines that are worth considering.
If your primary goal is to deepen the relationship, then the approach you take may stray from typical considerations.
Thought 2: Timing Your Gift
Getting a thoughtful gift is always nice, but the timing of it can seriously improve the impact it makes.
A gift on a random Tuesday just hits different than when it’s your birthday.
Your gift isn’t competing with other gifts
Receiving a gift is expected, even if it’s unexpected from you in particular.
The surprise factor amplifies the enjoyment
Thought 3: When Your Goal Is More Business Focused (and/or you don’t know what to get them)
If you want to maximize what your gift does on a business level, the book Giftology by John Ruhlin is a fun, easy read and goes into what I’m about to share a lot deeper.
The guidelines in the book can make it easier to nail down a gift with a business goal in mind. I will say that there are some things I disagree with but I’ll cover those later.
The guidelines are simple:
The gift should be best in class.
A $50 coffee mug is better than a $50 watch.
The gift should be unique.
This often means personalizing it in some way to the recipient.
The gift is practical.
Practical gifts get used more and keep you top of mind.
The gift should be visible.
Meaning that it’s something that they and others would see to prompt conversation and hopefully talk about where they got the gift (i.e. you)
The gift should be lasting.
Meaning that it’s something that will get lots of use versus something that’s consumed.
The gift should be universal.
Meaning that you can’t get yourself in trouble with it, such as a water bottle.
These are good reference points if you want to check in with yourself about a gift idea.
Where I would add nuance -
They’re guidelines, but not rules. Sometimes, a great gift that creates a great story breaks all the rules. For example, a consumable gift (such as wine, food, or experiences) can be a deeply meaningful gift in certain situations.
If you follow the guidelines too closely, it can close off creativity and potentially create “cold” gifts.
Example gift that follows the guidelines (mostly):
This gift hits all of the notes except for best in class, perhaps.
This gift was for an OTA student who hit a big goal (though I can’t remember what it was now.)
So we had this made as a surprise.
The gift is unique and personalized to him. It’s practical and something he would use often. It's definitely visible. It’s lasting and universal.
Example of a gift that deviates:
Jon went to a CrossFit conference recently to give a presentation.
Later, he was approached by someone he didn’t know, and they gave him some Ken Griffey Jr. baseball cards.
This gift misses a lot of the criteria - these are not best in class, certainly not practical, they may or may not be visible, depending on what Jon does with them, and not universal.
But it’s very personal and relevant to Jon. If you listen to the podcast, you know he’s been focused on collecting Ken Griffey Jr. cards because that’s something he loved as a kid, and he wants to share that with Calvin.
I doubt these are of any real value, and the gift giver may have even had them sitting around his house. But, it’s not about the baseball cards - it’s sharing a shared interest and something that Jon deeply values doing with his son.
So the cards aren’t the gift - the experience with Calvin is. And I can bet Jon will remember this guy’s name and think a bit more fondly of him going forward.
Thought 4: Simplifying Gifts Using your 1% Uniqueness Factor
If you’re really unsure about gifting, you can lean into your 1% uniqueness factor.
Look for something that is universal but can be personalized.
If you have a killer hat collection - you can find all sorts of fun hats that can be personalized.
If you love the movie Office Space or are just really into office supplies, you can find lots of fun supplies that can be customized.
If you're a big kid who loves legos - you can totally find some custom Lego gifts.
I actually did a post once about what gift you wish someone would get you, but people don't because you're an adult, and the most common answer was Legos. So don't sleep on fun, child-like, nostalgic gifts.
Thought 5: When Your Goal Is More Focused On Deepening Relationships
Gifts of Passion are often the gifts that achieve this goal the most because they’re often tied to an emotional event.
Premeditated Gift can achieve this, too, if you think about the feeling you’re wanting to prompt and tying it to something personal.
When I say feelings, that doesn’t just mean the squirmy ones. It can be joy, nostalgia, confidence, or anything else.
We’re leaning into Maya Angelou’s quote - “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
If we can create a positive association, it’s a win.
There is no framework for gifting to deepen a relationship but here are the things I think about -
Why are you giving them a gift?
Ex: They’ve been feeling blah lately
What feeling are you hoping they’ll experience?
Ex: I want them to laugh
What do you know about them and their interests?
What have you observed about them?
Their catch phrases, quirky affectations, experiences they’ve shared, etc
What could you give if money/time/resources didn’t matter?
Go crazy.
It may not be as crazy as you think.
Are there any shared interests or experiences you can pull from?
Dillon The Armadillo gift example
Here's an example of a gift designed for building a deeper relationship:
A long time ago, an OTA student and friend of mine told me that if I ever needed a big laugh, to let him know, and he had just the story for me.
Much later, life got pretty rough, and I called in on that story.
He told me that when he used to work at a zoo, he had to check in on Dillon the Armadillo.
Dillon's bum had a rash, so he needed to check in on it. He went to get Dillon, but he was all snuggled in and tucked into a ball. My friend went to untuck Dillon, who then sprung open, and my friend was slapped across the face by Dillon's penis.
Yes, my friend was cock-slapped by an armadillo.
Needless to say, it definitely added a bright spot to my day.
--
Fast forward and my friend is going through his own rough period, so I started brainstorming on gifts.
I decided he needed a Dillon the Armadillo stuffed animal. But it needed to be anatomically correct.
Stuffed animals don't usually come with penises, so I needed something made.
Plus, I don't know if you know this, but armadillo penises can be up to 60% of the length of their bodies.
After much searching around (I'm probably on a weird list with the FBI now), I figured out I should order a normal armadillo stuffed animal from Amazon. I then found someone who sews in a Facebook group who was willing to add Dillon's appendage.
I shipped the stuffed armadillo to her in Minnesota, she added the member, and shipped it back.
The best part? She added a pipe cleaner so it would be a prehensile penis and could be shaped.
See? I swear people are wonderfully weird.
I then sent it to my friend in Scotland. He absolutely loved it. Dillon has been shown around and now has stickers that have made it all over the world.
While this gift doesn't meet many of the criteria, it certainly creates a great story that the recipient wants to share.
Thought 5: Gift Ideas That Come With Caution Tape
Some gifts have more potential to create negative feelings than others.
Not that they can’t be great gifts, but you want to be damn sure you know the other person well before giving gifts in these categories:
Clothes and accessories, unless you know exactly what they want and their size.
Anything that’s a display item, especially if it’s large.
Gifts with certain language/humor (For example, a custom song that includes the word “bitch” in it.)
Alcohol, drug, or adult-related items.
Public gifts. Not everyone likes attention.
Gifts that require set up, maintenance or have a learning curve.
Experiences.
What other costs are involved that they’d have to take on?
Can they afford to take time off?
Do they need a sitter for kids?
These are gifts that you want to think through, know the recipient well, and even check with others who know them before committing to one of these gifts.
Thought 6: How To Gather Idea Fodder
Just sitting and thinking about stuff doesn’t typically generate great ideas. You need inspiration and to gather information about people that you can work with.
Here are a few ideas:
As part of your onboarding process and your program, add “getting to know you” prompts to help gather ideas. Reminder! Get their address on their intake form so you don’t have to do the awkward, ‘Uh, what’s your address for reasons and please don’t ask me why I’m asking.’
I love the question: Pretend that you’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnapper brings you back in two hours because you wouldn’t stop talking about what?
Stalk their social media.
They posted publicly. It’s fair game.
Maybe don’t scroll back to 2012 and make note that they went to a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert once and use that for inspo.
Ask for help from their loved ones.
Send them a DM on their social media and let them know your relationship with your client and that you want to recruit them for a gift giving adventure.
No, it’s not weird. People love being in on a secret, and they get partial credit for the gift - they’re in.
Look through past conversations for ideas.
Keep notes of things you notice as you work with them or get to know people.
Ask in specialty groups for ideas.
Literally, play and search online with weird combo searches.
For example, metal music + CPA
Create a list and save weird things you run into.
If you’re not sure about a gift for the person individually, consider a family gift. Just be thoughtful about things like if they might need batteries, kid capabilities, competitiveness, annoyance for the parents, etc.
For example, I recently gave a gift to someone whose family dog passed away. I got them a game as a family gift. Their kids are around 8-10 or so. I got a cooperation-based game to avoid any potential tension and to focus more on bonding as a family during a difficult time.
I know some people feel funny about doing reconnaissance work for gift-giving, but you’re looking at it from a thinking perspective, not the emotional perspective that the receiver will be taking.
Yes, there is a line where it can get creepy, but you would have to actively try to get to that place. You’re not going to stumble into it accidentally.
Thought 7: How much to spend on gifts
There’s no right or wrong answer on how much you should spend. What you want to focus on is the feeling and impact of it before monetary value.
You don’t want it to feel cheap.
I don’t just mean the item itself to feel cheap, but the thought behind it.
An old toy that’s semi-falling apart and deeply nostalgic from their childhood can feel physically cheap, but the sentiment isn’t. A toy from Temu is both physically and emotionally cheap.
With that being said, here are a few guidelines if you need some mental structure behind it:
The longer someone has been a client, the more referrals they’ve given, the more money they’ve spent, and the more value that person might bring - the more money I’d consider spending.
Default to generosity.
Add a bucket to your expenses to help save up for gifting so it feels better to spend it.
Client gifts are likely tax deductible for your business.
For US coaches: up to $25/year
For Canadians - You can deduct all reasonable business if they’re incurred trying to establish or maintain clients. If it could be qualified as a meal or entertainment expense, you can write off half of its value.
How often? Default to generosity, but if you need a timeline, think 3 times a year.
No money? Handwritten notes or self-created gifts are wonderful. Look for opportunities to personalize it and focus on meaning than monetary value.
Thought 8: Where to find talent
Personalizing gifts often means recruiting other people to lend you their talents.
Here are a few places to check out.
In-House Customization Items
Some companies offer customization options, such as Yeti.
Barnes & Noble or Amazon for custom books.
For example, if you work with dads and joke about being in the bathroom for 45+ minutes?
Create a custom “Forget your phone?” book and have it printed on Barnes & Noble. Customize the cover with their name.
Things like this are great if you’re going for more of a business-focused gift.
Local community and niche groups
If you have an idea of what you want done and you need to find the right person, check local and niche Facebook and Reddit groups.
Somebody knows someone who can do what you want to do.
Etsy or Craft Maker Spaces
There are some creative (i.e. wonderfully weird) people out there. If you can dream it, you can find someone who has made it and it’s 10x weirder/cooler than you could have ever hoped for.
For example: If you know a bougie clean freak or condiment lover - you can find bedazzled condiments, cleaning products, and more.
There is a gift for literally every occasion.
Fiverr & Upwork
These are great, especially for digital creations.
Custom song? Jen on Fiverr is great.
Need AI art created for a larger project (like a book)?
Want to design a custom 2D online game based on someone? You can find someone for that.
(I have a game in mind I want to make for someone - one day!)
A few talent resources
I haven't used all of these, but several. The rest I've had saved for future use.
In-house customization items
Customizable Item Markets
Print Your Own Books
Fun Etsy Shops:
Bedazzled & Bougie items: Dream with Me
Custom gaming items: MadeByMoin
Snack art: Frokenhognert & Braheartcompany
Custom Comics: MakeMeAComic
Nostalgia Gaming: FeverDreamSupreme
Travelers: SnarkyYetSweet
Fiverr:
Custom AI images: Del Rio AI
Custom songs: Jen C
Instagram:
Cute animated characters: Eluvity11
Kherul is who makes my Phil characters.
Thought 9: Final Considerations
Don’t be afraid to think outside of the box. The best gifts often come from there.
Not everyone is good at expressing gratitude. They may be awkward about it or not express it the same way you would. It doesn’t mean it wasn’t deeply appreciated.
Not everyone appreciates gifts, so don’t sweat it if you don’t get a reaction. Control what you can control.
Prepare for your own feelings or reaction if/when they do thank you.
Some people get emotional or feel embarrassed when thanked.
Think about presentation - that’s part of the story they get to tell and part of the gift.
Not everyone likes attention, so be careful about publicly presenting gifts. When in doubt, do it privately.
Think of relationship building and gifting practices like mobility work for your business.. It’s one of those things you may not see or feel immediate results from, but it’s the thing that makes everyday movements smoother and easier.
A simple concept you’ve shared thousands of times finally makes a difference because it was wrapped and presented in the wonderfully weird and relevant way that the other person needed.
A small gift tailored to someone who is used to being in charge and taking care of everyone else can open doors for you.
And at the end of the day, it just makes the work you do richer, more fulfilling, and more fun.